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TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze: Official Movie Magazine


Originally published by: Welsh Publishing
Publication date: 1991

Contents:

This special issue contained only behind-the-scenes features on the film "TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze".  It contained no comics.  I'm including it in my archive for posterity.


Turtle Tips:

*This issue was published in 1991, but the cover and indicia do not provide a month.  Since the "TMNT II" movie came out in March of that year, I'm going to assume the issue was published sometime before that, early in 1991.  It was likely published between TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #2 and TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #3.

*This issue was published as a special and is not part of the numbered TMNT Magazine series.  Confusingly, coverage of "TMNT: The Movie" and "TMNT III" were provided by numbered issues in the series: TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #1 and TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12, respectively.


Review:

Like I said, nothing to review.  But people have been a little confused, thinking this issue is part of the numbered TMNT Magazine series and wondering why I "skipped" it.  To curb such confusion, I'm throwing this info up in the index.



An X-Men review, for those who like X-Men



Not a TMNT review, but something comic-related I was writing before my vacation.

I've always loved the X-Men, but I'd never actually read anything from the pre-Giant Sized era.  You know, those early blue and yellow uniform issues; X-Men #1-66.  So I rectified that:

X-Men: The Blue and Yellow Era (Review).

This was definitely an educational experience for me and it was pretty exhilarating to read all those fabled milestone stories for the first time; adventures and origins I only ever knew in the form of summaries and adaptations.  Many of them weren't very good, but I had a blast.

I mean, I only ever knew Magneto as the dignified despot.  It was hilarious to see that he spent two decades acting like this all the time:


I'll get back to Turtle reviews, now.  Just thought I'd share this one with you all since I figured there'd be some overlap between the TMNT and X-Men fans out there.

TMNT/Ghostbusters #3


Publication date: December 24, 2014

Written by: Erik Burnham and Tom Waltz
Art by: Dan Schoening
Colors by: Luis Antonio Delgado
Letters by: Neil Uyetake
Edits by: Bobby Curnow

Summary:

The Turtles and the Ghostbusters arrive at Madison Square Garden to deal with Chi-You and his thralls.  Donatello attempts to get the hang of the proton pack he borrowed, but it’s a learning experience.  While they keep Chi-You distracted, Winston sneaks up and opens a trap.  Oddly, the trap fails to suck Chi-You in.  Fighting his possession, Casey explains that the thralls tether Chi-You to Earth, keeping him from being contained.  Chi-You then reasserts his dominance on Casey and has him punch Winston, releasing him from the trap’s grip.  Chi-You and his thralls (Casey included) vanish.


Back at the Firehouse, Kylie suggests they rig the traps the same way they did when the Firehouse was attacked by Tiamat’s possessed; a low level burn might exorcise the people.  Unfortunately, the circumstances are different and the same trick won’t work, but the suggestion gives Don an idea.  A low level blast from a proton stream, directly in the chest, might free the thralls.  Egon, Ray and Don stay up working on modifying the arm-mounted packs while the rest of the Turtles and Ghostbusters hit the hay.

In Chinatown, Chi-You is at his wit’s end trying to control Casey.  Casey knows that Chi-You becomes sloppy when he loses his temper, so he’s trying to make him as angry as possible.  For his defiance, Chi-You picks Casey up and swallows him.

The next morning, Janine gets a call about a giant bull rampaging through Chinatown.  Egon, Ray, Don and April stay behind to work on the portal home while the rest go to stop Chi-You.


They meet him in battle and Mikey manages to free one of the thralls.  However, the possessed are too agile to get close enough to tag.  Chi-You then vomits up Casey, who is now gigantic and clad in armor.  Raph and the possessed Casey go one-on-one while Peter retrieves a proton bazooka.  The bazooka blast injures Chi-You, distracting Casey long enough for Raph to tag him in the chest, freeing him.  Peter suggests they vamoose, as they won’t want to be around when Chi-You reforms.

At the Firehouse, Casey makes a full recovery.  Over pizza, Ray and Don come up with a more efficient way of freeing the thralls; with an EMP blast.  Egon assigns Ray and April to work on the EMP while he and Don finish the portal.


Back in Chinatown, a furious Chi-You reforms.  He’s decided that he can no longer ignore the Turtles and the Ghostbusters and prepares his thralls for a direct attack.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT/Ghostbusters #2.  The story continues in TMNT/Ghostbusters #4.

*Tiamat’s possessed humans attacked the Firehouse in Ghostbusters (Vol. 2) #18.

*This issue was originally published with 4 variant covers: Regular Cover by Schoening and Delgado, Subscription Cover by Corey Smith, Hot Topic exclusive cover by Adam Gorham, and Hastings exclusive cover by Brent Peeples and Ronda Pattison.


Review:

Well, Casey saves a little face, I suppose.  He’s been a punching bag in the IDW comics for a while, with being turned into Chi-You’s helpless puppet something of an all-new low.  He fights the control and helps the Ghostbusters figure out how to stop Chi-You, but you know.  He still gets beat-up (IDW Casey just can’t win a fucking fight, even when he’s powered by a god).

The pacing of this issue kinda bugged me: The Ghostbusters and the Turtles go fight Chi-You, return to the Firehouse, go fight Chi-You, return to the Firehouse.  Just back and forth like that.  The fights were fun and the dynamics between the characters were entertaining, but the storyline has been pretty run-of-the-mill so far.  It sort of reminds me of the recent Sonic the Hedgehog/Mega Man crossover Archie did.  It was more about the references and the fanwank and the overall sense of fun and adventure than, well, telling a very original or suspenseful story.

I can’t come down too hard on that angle; MOST crossovers work this way.  It’s just a staple of the cliché.  You kind of know what you’re going to be getting from the start and the real enjoyment comes from seeing the casts interact, not so much the plot.

My favorite moments weren’t actually the parts where they fight Chi-You, but more so the scenes where they all lounge around the Firehouse and talk shop.  Burnham works in references to his Ghostbusters series, such as the possessed “bird things” that Tiamat attacked the Firehouse with, and it all feels very casual.  What’s neat is that not every Turtle and Ghostbuster pairs off with their obvious analog.  Each characters sees a parallel with another in some way and there’s a little bit of everybody in everybody.

As mentioned, the issue is full of fanwank.  There are jokey references to the Party Wagon and the Turtle Blimp, but I liked the background Easter Eggs a bit more.

Grade: C (as in, “Ch’Rell’s Deli… I’d eat there”.)


TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #13


Publication date: Summer, 1993

Script: Dean Clarrain (Steve Murphy)
Pencils: Jim Lawson
Inks: Dan Berger
Colors: Steve Lavigne
Letters: Mary Kelleher

“The Riddle of the Rusty Scupper”

Summary:

The Turtles and April have travelled to the Caribbean to enjoy a well-earned vacation (after using all their quarters to trap Krang in a washing machine).  While lounging on the beach, they see an old pirate ship from the 1590s called the Rusty Scupper sail into view.  Greedy for treasure, all five of them board the ship.

They find a note challenging them to solve a riddle and lift the pirate ship’s curse.  The riddle: “What’s black and white and red all over?”  They’re immediately attacked by skeletal pirate ghosts who say that the curse forces them to do battle with anyone who boards their ship… at least until the riddle is solved.

The Turtles try a bunch of goofy answers, like “a skunk with a bad complexion” or “an embarrassed zebra”, but none of them lift the curse.  April suggests they try something more pirate-related and sees the Jolly Roger hoisted high.  She guesses “a skull and crossbones against the setting sun” and the pirates begin to vanish.  They thank her for freeing them before the Rusty Scupper vanishes, too (sending April and the Turtles plummeting into the water).


Later that night, the Turtles gather around a campfire and exchange bone-related puns.  Enduring this, April considers uttering a few curses herself.


Turtle Tips:

*This issue was preceded by TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #12.  It is the last issue in the series.

*The previous issue did not contain any comic content.  The last issue to feature a comic was TMNT Magazine (Welsh) #11.


Review:

Hey, another 6-pager.  That’s good!  Also, the last issue of the series.  That’s bad!

Or maybe not so bad, considering your feelings toward these comics.  But I don’t know why anyone would have strong feelings about these TMNT Magazine comics one way or the other.  They were a neat little bonus from the era, and the early issues introduced a lot of characters who’d go on to do greater things (be it in Archie’s TMNT Adventures or as part of the Playmates toyline), but they were pretty corny and inoffensive.  At their worst they were heavy handed with environmental messages and at their best they were a showcase for obscure characters we didn’t see very often.  Pretty middle of the road, but what do you expect from 4-to-6 pages every three months?

This issue in particular is a bit of a yawn-fest and doesn’t do much with the extra 2 pages aside from make room for more silly guesses at the riddle.  I did like the ghost pirates, but then, I think “The Fog” is a good movie, so what do I know?

Looking back over the whole 14-issue TMNT Magazine series (13 issues +1 special), it was very much a product of its day.  Many popular cartoons of the era had these quarterly fanclub-type magazines and they were all extremely interchangeable.  The Real Ghostbusters had one, as I recall, and it was almost exactly the same (it may have even been published by Welsh, but I'm not sure).  There was a LOT of filler that only tangentially related to the brand (science articles, safety tips, cheap magic tricks you can do in the kitchen, shit like that) with the comics and maybe even the text stories being the highlight.

But when comics like THIS are the highlight of your magazine, then in retrospect it was probably a shitty magazine.


Nintendo Power Vol. 7


Originally published by: Nintendo of America
Publication date: July/August, 1989

Story and art: Howard Phillips (?)

Summary:

Young video game hotshot Nester finds himself at the corner of Mean Street thanks to a poorly planned bus route.  Luckily, April O'Neil happens by and offers to take him back to her place, as she knows some friends who might be able to help him.


Nester returns with her to Superhero Apartments and meets the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!  Nester recognizes them as heroes from the comics, but the TMNT recognize him as "Nester the Great", a video game champion.  They ask if he's played their new Nintendo game and Nester cockily replies that he "wrote the book on it".

Michelangelo is thrilled to hear this, as he can't get past Stage 3.  Nester takes the controller and reveals that you need to have 99 pizzas to get through the stage.  The Turtles promptly order 99 pizzas and scarf them down while Nester tries to get through the stage... and fails.


Donatello (or maybe Raphael, they both have purple bandanas) finds a copy of Nintendo Power with a tips and tricks guide for the game in it and learns that you need 99 scrolls to get through Stage 3... not 99 pizzas.  Leonardo inspects the magazine and learns that the book was written not by Nester, but by Howard.  Nester stews quietly that just once he'd like to get through a game without that bow-tied know-it-all showing him up.


Turtle Tips:

*This 2-page comic was created to promote the first NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game from Konami.

*Special thanks to the Howard & Nester Archive for the strip, as well as for hosting every edition of the comic!


Review:

Ahhhh, Stage 3.  The one with the jump.  You know the one.  You know the one.  FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW THE ONE!  THE "JUMP" YOU CAN JUST WALK OVER!  Yeah, that one.

If Michelangelo thinks Stage 3 is a bitch I'd love to see his reaction to Stage 5.

Uh, yeah, anyway.  Howard & Nester comics were one of my favorite things about Nintendo Power in those early years.  I never actually had a subscription, but a friend of mine, also named Mark, had every issue.  I loved diving through his magazine collection when we were having NES marathons (usually while he was playing a 1-player game or a 2-player-but-1-player-at-a-time game) and those little comics were always a highlight.

Yeah, Nintendo Power gained something of a bad reputation in more recent years before its cancellation; not exactly a place for honest reviews of Nintendo titles (nothing ever seemed to "suck" according to them).  But hey, back in the NES days when there was essentially just one console (did YOU know anybody who owned a fucking Master System?  Shut up, you liar) it was an enthralling resource.

I honestly don't know if Howard Phillips was the artist for these comics.  He's credited as the creator of Nester and I know he was the basis for the Howard character, but did he write and draw them?  They look suspiciously Japanese and the word balloons are all tall and skinny, like manga word balloons, and have poorly centered English text that looks sloppily overlaid.  I googled myself silly, but couldn't find any info.

Anyhow, this particular comic is just a 2-pager but it tries to fit at least one gag into each panel to maximize space.  What I loved about these old Howard & Nester comics was how authentic they were when it came to describing the games.  Nester is talking about Stage 3 of the first TMNT Nintendo game and on the little CRT television he's playing the game on, Stage 3 is accurately (if crudely) represented.  He's even playing as Donatello, AKA The Only Useful Fucking Character In That Game.

What I'm trying to say is that Captain N & the Game Masters could have learned a lot from these Howard & Nester comics.

April's design here is actually... and I'm not being esoteric or obscure here just to be cool or different... one of my favorite April designs ever.  It's very simple and girl-next-door with the plain-Jane ponytail, but she's got that little bit of pizzazz going with the shoulderless, loose-fitting t-shirt and the tubetop (or sports bra?) underneath it.  It's a cute design and I've always liked it for some reason.

The Turtles, though... Yeah, what a weird look.  It's mostly the eyes, which instead of being solid white are solid... blue? Like they have sunglasses on underneath their bandanas.  The coloring is also a little confused, as Don and Raph have bandanas that appear to be different shades of purple, so you're not really sure which Turtle is which most of the time.

Other than that, well... 2 pages.  I'm surprised I've managed to write this many paragraphs about the thing.  Maybe I'm letting the nostalgia cloud my judgment, but seriously, go read through that archive I linked to in Turtle Tips.  The humor is pretty dry in those comics, but they're certainly "neat" and the representations of the featured games are surprisingly authentic.

Man, if only Nintendo would collect ALL their Nintendo Power comics.  I remember some pretty great Mario, Metroid and Star Fox comics that were serialized in that book, even during the questionable Gamecube era when people were falling out of love with the magazine.  Maybe some day...


TMNT (Vol. 4) #10


Publication date: June, 2003

Writing, lettering, inking, toning: Peter Laird
Layouts, penciling: Jim Lawson
Inking: Eric Talbot
Cover painting: Michael Dooney
Production assistance: Dan Berger

Summary:

At the farmhouse in Northampton, Splinter puts out a saucer of milk for the cat and feeds the birds, enjoying the serenity of nature before going back inside.

At the Kurtzburg Memorial Hospital in New York, Dr. Klynor and Professor Honeycutt greet Casey and tell him that April’s procedure is about to begin.  Dr. M’Beka has injected April with the Nanoturtlebots while over on the Utrom moon island, Glurin has put the Turtles in stasis inside mentawave cabinets of Honeycutt’s design.  The Turtles will telepathically relay their fighting skill to the Nanoturtlebots, thus allowing them to destroy the Nanobaxterbots infecting April’s system.


The millions of Nanoturtlebots are introduced into April’s bloodstream and immediately begin destroying the Nanobaxterbots one at a time.  The fury of their battle causes some collateral damage to April and she begins to bleed.  Dr. M’Beka and the other surgeons on site fight to keep her body together so she can survive the procedure.

At the moon island, Shadow keeps watch over the Turtles.  Karai enters the room and remarks that it is a tempting sight, seeing her old enemies completely helpless.  However, she concedes that they are no longer enemies and that killing helpless pretty would not be sporting.  Karai then compliments Shadow on her fighting skill, which she observed from video of the altercation with the Foot Clan at the moon island’s security checkpoint.  Shadow is flattered but suspicious.  Karai offers her the opportunity to continue her training with the Foot and maybe even consider membership, but Shadow tells her that now is not a good time to give the offer much thought.


At the offices of the New York Journal, writer Daniel Carrolson returns from vacation and starts sorting through his mail.  He finds a disc from some group called the “Xihad” and puts it into his Mac (making sure to note that PCs are useless against viruses and Apple products are the superior hardware).  The video on the disc is from an angry masked man representing the “Xenoform Jihad” (or “Xihad”), a ruthless terrorist organization determined to evict the aliens (or “xenos”) from Earth.  The masked man says that in one week, they will strike.  Suddenly, there’s an explosion from the direction of New York Harbor.  The explosion severs the mentawave link between the Turtles and the Nanoturtlebots, leaving April helpless.

Back at the farmhouse, Splinter sits down to a cup of tea, unaware that the spectral form of the Rat King is watching him from the shadows.  Suddenly, he grips his chest in pain and begins to stagger around.  He makes it as far as the door and calls for his sons before collapsing to the floor, dead.  Outside, the cat has killed a bird that was eating from the birdfeeder.


At a pier across from the moon island, firefighters rush to clear out an Utrom warehouse that was the terrorist target.  They find what appear to be dead aliens inside.  An Utrom rushes over to the pier in his exosuit to find where the explosion damaged the mentawave cable link.  After searching underwater, he finds the cable completely cut and beyond the means of a timely repair.  Rejoining with another Utrom, he laments that it’ll take another stroke of Glurin’s genius to save April.

Back at Kurtzburg, Dr. M’Beka monitors April’s rapidly declining condition, but is helpless to do anything.  Glurin reveals that while the Turtles were hooked up to the mentawave system, he’d been running a background program to collect their “ninja data”.  He didn’t want to mention it because Dr. Klynor wouldn’t have approved.  With no alternative, Dr. M’Beka permits Glurin to upload the recorded ninja data into the Nanoturtlebots so that they can run again.


It works and the Nanoturtlebots rally against the Nanobaxterbots.  However, their success activates a dormant trump card Baxter Stockman had left behind just in case.  A Megananobot, fifty-times larger than the other nanobots, activates and makes a B-line for April’s brainstem.  Only a few hundred Nanoturtlebots remain and they all attack en masse.  In the end, they triumph, though only four Nanoturtlebots survive.


Glurin and M’Beka extract the four robotic heroes and celebrate their victory.  April recovers a few hours later, bald but back to perfect health.  Casey, Shadow, Robyn, the Turtles and the Fugitoid have all gathered to greet her and wish her well.  Suddenly, a nurse comes in with a phone call for Leonardo; it’s Stainless Steve Steel, calling from his farmhouse in Northampton.  Leo tells him the good news and asks if he could put Splinter on the line.  Steve informs Leo that Master Splinter has died.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT (Vol. 4) #9.  The story continues in TMNT (Vol. 4) #11.

*The mentawave cabinets are based on the mentawave helmet technology which Professor Honeycutt invented in Fugitoid (microseries) #1.

*Shadow fought the Foot Soldiers on the moon island in TMNT (Vol. 4) #6 (the editor’s note in the comic mistakenly identifies the fight as TMNT #5).

*Splinter’s death was foreseen (and the Rat King was bound to him spiritually) in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #35.

*The Rat King previously appeared to Splinter as a foreboding specter in TMNT (Vol. 1) #55 and Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #65.

*The Nanoturtlebots will return in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #68.

*Laird explains this was originally going to be two separate issues (TMNT #10 and TMNT #11).  However, to celebrate the “milestone” of a tenth issue, he made it double-length by combining the two.

*This issue also featured a back-cover painting by Michael Dooney, later used as the cover for Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #1.


Review:

Whew!  What an issue!

I’ll start with the death of Master Splinter.  I thought it was absolutely perfect.  There’s a small aura of mystery around it, what with the specter of the Rat King lurking in the shadows of one panel, but for the most part it’s an entirely mundane death.  He has a heart attack while making tea and expires from natural causes.

I know some people might find that anticlimactic, but let’s be real.  Not every hero who lives to a ripe old age is going to die a heroic death, be it locked in mortal combat with an arch foe or sacrificing themselves for the greater good.  Some heroes just grow old and die in their home while making tea.  I thought it was the death Splinter deserved, too.  There’s an extended sequence at the start of the issue where Splinter is going about his daily routine in a calm and serene manner, enjoying the animals he’s caring for and just relaxing in his retirement.  It was as peaceful a death as most of us can hope for.

But it was also sad to watch; this once mighty warrior staggering around helplessly, page after page, before weakly calling out for his sons and then collapsing, dead.  I’ve chided the book for its decompression, dragging things out when more economical storytelling would have sufficed, but the 6-page sequence of Splinter dying was decompression done well.  He may not have gone out in a blaze of glory, but his death deserved more than a flippant 1-page sequence, too.  Lawson and Laird handled it expertly and it’s my Number 1 most memorable moment from all of Volume 4.

There are elements to think about and discuss within the sequence.  The presence of the Rat King led to lots of fans suggesting he was somehow behind Splinter’s demise.  Steve Murphy would write an issue of Tales of the TMNT Volume 2 many years later to explain his appearance in this scene (that Splinter would become the next Rat King upon his death), though I think I preferred the thrill of the mystery over the banality of the answer.

There’s also some sort of vague message in there, perhaps intimating some symbolic tragedy.  The last thing Splinter sees as he collapses, looking out the front door, is the cat he just fed eating the bird he lured to the feeder when he refilled it.  Was this supposed to mean something?  That by generously refilling the birdfeeder, all Splinter did was lure an innocent creature to its death?  And a death at the hands/paws of another creature whom he was helping/feeding: The pet cat?  Does this symbolism have anything to do with the Turtles or the narrative of TMNT Volume 4?

Jeez, trying to wrap my head around all of Lawson’s ponderous symbolism is giving me flashbacks to TMNT (Vol. 2) #1.

But a greater theme in this issue is that although one friend has died, another has been given a new lease of life.  The first of April’s many Volume 4 ordeals is overcome in this issue, as the Nanoturtlebots save her from the Nanobaxterbots.  Now, these fight sequences are pretty decompressed and they all just boil down to dull panels of little robots smashing other little robots.  There isn’t a very good flow to the layouts and you won’t get much extra out of the pages by slowing down to inspect them panel-for-panel.  You just sort of breeze right through the fight scenes and wonder where the issue went.

That said, the suspense in the story doesn’t come from the fight but from the sudden interference by the Xihad (more on them in a minute).  The callback to Honeycutt’s mentawave technology was a nice touch and we actually do get a better feel for Glurin in this issue, as he secretly collects data on the Turtles but doesn’t want to tell anybody because it was unsanctioned.  He’s a good guy, but a bit of a mad scientist in that he prefers to break ethical barriers in the name of progress.

Hell, even Kurtzburg Memorial Hospital finally pays off.  Sort of.  April had been cared for at the moon island in every issue since she got sick, but now they’ve suddenly moved her across town to Kurtzburg, if only to facilitate the suspense of the broken mentawave hookup.  I guess a throwaway excuse might be that the moon island didn’t have the necessary medical equipment to complete the procedure, but it was still just an excuse to create a dramatic plot device.

There’s also the exchange between Shadow and Karai; Karai trying to lure her to the darkside.  It was hammy and the dialogue overwritten (a product of Laird’s Stan Lee-style dialogue captioning) and it never really goes anywhere, either.  There’s sort of a callback to it in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #69, but we really don’t get much out of the idea.  Karai is going to spend the next 22 issues of Volume 4 slinking around and acting “strange” and “suspicious” but never doing anything more than alluding to something questionable behind the curtain.  It is going to get really old, really fast, and after 12 years of waiting we STILL aren’t any closer to finding out what her deal is.

And now we’re at the Xihad.  Yeah.  They’re an artifact of the time; this comic having been written so shortly after 9/11 with all the terrorist fears still circling the media (though they’re definitely making a comeback here in 2015).  I will say that the Xihad are, in terms of the narrative of the volume, an organic growth of the Madhattan Maulitia and all their anti-alien fears that have been percolating since the first issue.  It’s just that the name is stupid.  Why would a nationalistic, patriotic, jingoistic movement name themselves after a word intimating the foreign terrorist group directly OPPOSED to American values, who had only recently taken 3,000+ lives (the events of 9/11 were referenced in previous issues of Volume 4)?

I can accept that these characters are dumb (Laird was going for the “redneck Conservative hatemonger” stereotype), but I just can’t believe that a group fighting for the return of American values and culture would name themselves the “Xenoform JIHAD”.  It hits a point where Laird’s politics interfere with his storytelling.  Or as I call it: “Pulling a Steve Murphy.”

And on the subject of Laird awkwardly injecting his personal opinions into the story, there’s another page where a character stops everything they’re doing to tell the audience that Macs are better than PCs.


Man, I swear, Apple fantatics are almost as sanctimoniously obnoxious as vegans.  Almost.

Anyhow, those little irritants aside, this is probably the best issue of Volume 4 and a good issue in and of itself.  The next issue will mark sort of a narrative stopping point and represent what I guess is the “beginning of the end” of reasonably-lengthed story arcs in this book.  But we can talk about that next time.


TMNT (Vol. 4) #11


Publication date: August, 2003

Writing, lettering, inking, toning: Peter Laird
Layouts, penciling: Jim Lawson
Inking: Eric Talbot
Cover painting: Michael Dooney
Production assistance: Dan Berger

Summary:

In Central Park, two women are enjoying a picnic together.  They make small talk until they’re beset upon by a gang of “goths”.  Those “goths” turn out to be vampires, who begin biting them all over.  One of the girls slips away and alerts two police officers.  When one of the cops makes it to the scene of the attack, however, the other girl is dead.


Later, somewhere else in Central Park, Michelangelo dives down into a pond and secures a tether (passing by an ordinary turtle as he does).  When he returns to shore, he finds Raphael angrily chopping wood as Leonardo loads it into the tethered boat.  Not far away, Donatello sneaks up to Splinter’s body and uses a pair of scissors to take something from it, apologizing as he slips away.

The funeral procession begins and the Turtles, the Jones family, the Justice Force, Professor Honeycutt and several other friends march through the woods and gather at the shore.  The Turtles act as pallbearers, loading Splinter’s body into the boat with the tinder.  They float it out to the middle of the pond and swim back.  Radical arrives late to the ceremony, having only recently received Leonardo’s message.


Leo gives Splinter's eulogy, describing the lessons their sensei imparted on he and his brothers.  He says that were Splinter to assess his own passing, in his wisdom he would recommend that his mourners look to the future rather than the past.  Leo would agree, though he assures all that none who had ever met Splinter will forget him.

Leo lights an arrow and prepares to launch it at the funeral pyre.  A light appears in the sky and the gathered prepare for a fight, but it’s only Renet.  She says that Splinter once showed her kindness when she needed it most and takes her place among the congregation (the Golem says something to her in weird gibberish, but she tells him to save it for later).  April looks at Renet and wonders if she might be able to help her as Leonardo lights the pyre and ignites his sensei’s body.  Raphael notices something stirring in the reeds and points it out to Donatello.  Apparently, Leatherhead heard the news and came by to pay his respects, albeit privately.


Hours pass and the gathered leave.  All except Leonardo, that is, who stays until the last embers of the pyre burn out.

Elsewhere in the city, several Foot Soldiers pursue a warrior wearing strange armor.  They lose him, only to find themselves the ones being ambushed.  The warrior cuts them all down, then leaves behind a triangular object before exiting the scene.


Turtle Tips:

*This issue is continued from TMNT (Vol. 4) #10.  The story continues in TMNT (Vol. 4) #12.

*Several stories take place between this and next issue.  For a potential listing, see my Mirage continuity timeline.

*Those attending Splinter’s funeral include:

**The Turtles: Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo.
**The Jones/O’Neil family: April, Casey, Shadow and Robyn.
**The Justice Force: Stainless Steve Steel, Joey Lastic, Zippy Lad, Metalhead.
**Professor Honeycutt (the Fugitoid) and the Utroms Dr. Klynor and Glurin.
**Braunze.
**Renet (last seen in the epilogue of Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #69).
**Radical (last mentioned in TMNT (Vol. 4) #4, last seen in TMNT/The Savage Dragon #1).
**The Golem (last seen in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #10).
**Leatherhead (last seen in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #62).
**Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird (who last cameoed in a TMNT comic in Raphael (microseries) #1, where they were muggers).
**An unidentified cat-person (according to Steve Murphy in the letters page of Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #16, this cat-person is unrelated to the cat-people from Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #14.  His relationship with the Turtles has yet to be explained).

*Chronologically, Radical won’t appear again until Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #41.

*What “kindess” Splinter showed to Renet, and how she knows the Golem, have yet to be explained.

*Leatherhead will appear next in TMNT (Vol. 4) #16.

*Robyn O’Neil will appear next in Tales of the TMNT (Vol.2) #68.

*The nature of what Donatello takes from Splinter’s body won’t be revealed until TMNT (Vol. 4) #32.


Review:

This issue marks something of a narrative breaking point for TMNT Volume 4.  This is the last opportunity in the serialized pace of the comic to offer a “breather”.  From here on out, every issue will flow into the next and you’ll never get a break.  All the characters will go their separate ways, perhaps as a reaction to losing Splinter and finally “growing up”, and the narrative will proceed to be pulled in 5 or 6 different directions.

Things are going to move SLOW from here on out.  Really, really, reeeaaallllllyyy sloooooooowwwww.

That isn’t to say the directions Laird takes the characters after this won’t be interesting.  On the contrary, many of the arcs will prove to be very thought-provoking.  It’s just that you’ll only get a few pages to follow them in each issue and breaking them up will make even the shortest of storylines take YEARS to resolve (spoiler alert: 12 years and counting and most of them aren’t resolved).

This is kind of where my patience with Volume 4 starts to unravel and my memory of its storylines begins to decay.  6 issues-worth of story is going to get stretched out over 20+ issues and man, it’s hard to stay enthusiastic amidst such doddling.  Throw in the multi-year hiatuses and only the most stout-hearted of Turtles fans will be able to give a shit beyond this point.

So that’s why I view this issue, Splinter’s funeral, as sort of an endcap separating the point where Volume 4 thrilled me from the point where Volume 4 bored me.

All that being said, it was a tasteful if bittersweet issue.  Splinter’s funeral is very quiet, yet spans 21 pages.  Leo’s eulogy only fills one of those pages, so most of it is just a lot of sad people standing around, looking at their hands.  But it feels appropriate.  Have you ever been to a funeral?  They aren’t exactly a laugh riot.

What struck me at first was that only Leo offers a eulogy and it’s a fairly short one.  Laird could have easily had every character take turns giving a speech, but it isn’t necessary.  Leo sums it up in just a few sentences and you know that everything coming from “sensei’s pet” is genuine and sincere.  No one could really add to what Leo has to say so we leave it at that.

You’ll also probably notice that a handful of those in attendance are completely new faces.  Volume 4 is seeded with “in a tale yet to be told” editorial boxes, or just non sequiturs, with the intention that all those gaps would be filled in via the then-upcoming Tales of the TMNT Volume 2.  While many of those untold tales were covered, others were left dangling (I guess 70 issues wasn’t enough to cover them all?). 

While the Golem got an origin, his relationship to Renet was never explained.  Likewise, how Splinter showed Renet kindness when she needed it most was never elaborated upon.  Then there’s the mysterious cat-guy whose identity has never been revealed.  Perhaps he was the superhero named Meta-Beast who was mentioned (but not shown) in TMNT (Vol. 4) #4?  At this point, there’s a better than even chance we’ll never find out.

Eastman’s and Laird’s presence was appropriate; sort of like how Jack Kirby and Stan Lee used to draw themselves into issues of Fantastic Four, usually during milestones (like the wedding of Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman).  What’s unintentionally hilarious is that Eastman and Laird inserted themselves into the TMNT comics once before… as muggers.  I guess from an in-universe perspective their encounter with the TMNT turned their lives around and so they felt obligated to pay their respects to Splinter?  It’s funny when you think about it too hard.

Then there’s Leatherhead, who seems to have reverted back to his “feral” personality.  When last seen, he was in his “scientist” getup, so whatever caused him to go crazy again remains unknown.  But then, that guy moodswings so much you probably don’t need an explanation for it.

As for Radical, I forgot that she shared a single exchange with Leonardo, having gotten the message about the funeral directly from him.  That little back and forth was all it took for future writers to decide they were madly in love and build a whole romance around it (for one issue).  The stuff of shipping fanfics made canon!

I don’t think any major Mirage protagonist was left out of the funeral, which sort of makes the Mirage roster seem slim, doesn't it?  The fact that Laird had to make up new characters from whole cloth just to fill seats should tell you something.  Likewise, Splinter hadn't been relevant to the series for so long that he also had to make up references to stories that never happened just to justify most of those guest characters mourning him.

Other plot threads are initiated in this issue, from the weird warrior guy to the goth vampires to whatever Don is doing with Splinter’s corpse.  I’m looking at this issue twelve years later and I regret to inform you that most of these plot threads go absolutely nowhere.

Anyhow, all snark aside, this was a wonderful issue.  It may be the last full issue of Volume 4 that I like.  From this point on, when Volume 4 is great it'll only be for short bursts rather than for full issues.  The fun’s over.  The rest of this run is gonna read like homework. 

Oh Splinter, you really WERE the life of the party…



Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #17


Publication date: November, 2005

Script and art: Jim Lawson
Plot: Jim Lawson, Steve Murphy and Peter Laird
Frontispiece: Dave White
Letters: Eric Talbot
Cover: Jim Lawson and Eric Talbot
Letters page art: Diego Jourdan

“Wrong Turn”

Summary:

Frontispiece: Raphael marches through some snow-covered ruins, unaware that giant spider legs are skittering out from a tunnel above him.  Raph thinks about how the phrase “insects make my skin crawl” has lost all meaning, but thinks it’s worth a reevaluation once you put the qualifier “giant” at the beginning…

Splinter’s funeral is over and Raph, Casey and Glurin have congregated at a bar to raise a toast to the old rat.  As they all gradually get more and more inebriated (cranberry juice is apparently like booze to Utroms), Casey manages to convince Glurin to let them test his experimental Dimensional Gridshift Unit.


They return to the moon island and find Don trying to keep himself busy with work.  Don sees that they’re all drunk and decides to come along on the trip to keep them safe.  Glurin calculates the safest alternate reality, EST 14, and sends them through the portal.  Immediately upon doing so, he notices something wrong and chokes.

The Turtles and Casey arrive on a desert highway filled with abandoned vehicles.  Casey finds a customized Jeep loaded with assault weapons as well as two motorcycles.  He suggests they investigate beyond a nearby mountain ridge and see what went down in this universe.

They’re immediately attacked by giant spiders but manage to blow them away with the assault rifles.  They find an injured woman and try to help her.  She comes to and explains that after global warming destroyed all the farmland in America, the government tried to solve the food shortage with the “Arthro Project”.  They lost control of the experiment, though, and the giant insects and arachnids are the result.  The woman begins to scream and convulse and a larvae crawls out of her brain.  Raph kills it and the trio moves on.


Eventually, they come upon the ruins of Las Vegas.  Suddenly, all their heads throb from a psychic attack.  Don recognizes it as the work of the insect Queen who is sending sentries to attack them.  Giant flying cockroaches them swoop down, but they’re too armored for the guns to do any good.  Don and Raph escape into the sewers, but Casey is carried off.  Don says that when the Queen psychically attacked them, he saw images of the Luxor and assumes that’s where Casey has been taken.  But first, they need to stop by a pet store.

Later, Don and Raph make their way through the sewers with Don using a wrench to open certain pipes along the way.  They arrive at the Luxor and fight their way up to the top floor where Casey and several other human survivors have been sealed into a wall with insect wax.  They free the people just as the insect Queen, a giant mantis, attacks them.  They all start to get woozy and Don opens his package from the pet store: A canary.  The canary is dead, meaning the gas lines he opened have now filled the building.


The trio escapes through the glass ceiling of the Luxor while the last human survivor stays behind to light a match and ignite the gas.  The Turtles and Casey make it to the ground and avoid being blow up, but they’re immediately attacked by Sigfried and Roy’s Siberian tigers.

Before the tigers can shred them, Glurin pulls them back through the portal.  He rather embarrassedly explains that a cockroach crawled into the Gridshift Unit and defecated on a circuit, thereby sending the trio to an unknown destination.  It took him until now to find them and bring them back.  Angry, Casey squishes the cockroach with his thumb.


Turtle Tips:

*This story takes place immediately after Splinter’s funeral in TMNT (Vol. 4) #11.

*Glurin was previously shown trying to cross dimensional boundaries in TMNT (Vol. 4) #7.

*Glurin’s Dimensional Gridshift Unit will reappear in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #52.

*The dimension the Turtles and Casey go to may not be another dimension at all, but the future.  Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #69 establishes that the world was left in ruins by global warming and shows strange, giant monsters lurking around everywhere.


Review:

I remember not digging this issue when it first came out.  It’s just an adventure story, playing off a lot of tired action movie tropes and doesn’t have much substance to it.  It wants to pay homage to action movie clichés, but they’re just a string of predictable, boring scenarios we’ve all seen a hundred times.

Rereading it for the first time in 10 years (oh Lord, has it really been a decade?), I find it’s still a rather boring read, but I don’t think I dislike it as much as I did then.  The setup is more entertaining than the follow-through, with the drunken Raph and Casey all excited about being shunted off to some perilous dimension while a sober Don just sighs in exasperation.  I especially liked Glurin, all derp-eyed and wobbly.

Once they actually get to the insect dimension, though, it’s just a lot of gun-firing and clichés right up to the end.  There's the tragic motivating character (the woman with the larvae in her brain), the deus ex machina solution (kill the Queen and everything is wrapped up in a neat little package), the guy who heroically sacrifices himself to save the others (the nameless dude who stays behind to light the gas)... nothing particularly original.  It’s all dull as a cheese knife.

The story is worked into the continuity of the series pretty well, though.  It takes place immediately after Splinter’s funeral with the dimensional adventure functioning as a means for the characters to take their minds off of their grief.  Glurin’s investigation into dimensional travel was referenced early in Volume 4 and this is where it comes to a head. 

The “alternate universe” the characters travel to may not be an alternate universe at all, but the future of their own universe.  It all makes sense, with references to global warming destroying human civilization and the presence of giant monsters lurking around.  All of those elements were shown to be a part of the Mirage universe future and the references were seeded throughout Tales of the TMNT Volume 2.

Really, though, I can’t believe it took three people to come up with a plot this thin.  I suppose you can see ideas from all three creators sprinkled about: References to Laird’s Volume 4 series, Murphy’s pissing and moaning about global warming, and Lawson’s tiresome boner for Moto Guzzi brand crotch rockets (the bike Casey picks up and compliments has “Moto Guzzi” emblazoned across it).  But even though you can see everyone’s fingerprint on this tale, the actual story is pretty plodding and weak.

Grade: D (as in, “Did I mention it’s basically one big riff on ‘Aliens’?  I guess that cover to Anything Goes #5 finally came true”.)



TMNT (IDW) #42


Publication date: January 21, 2015

Story: Kevin Eastman, Bobby Curnow and Tom Waltz
Script: Tom Waltz
Art: Cory Smith
Colors: Ronda Pattison
Letters: Shawn Lee
Editor: Bobby Curnow

“Attack on Technodrome, Part Two”

Summary:

In Old Hob’s bunker, Leonardo breaks the news to the cat that he and his brothers will not be joining them for their attack on the Foot.  Hob isn’t happy, but Splinter vows to stay by his side and fulfill his end of the bargain.  However, even though his sons won’t be with them, they will still be helping them.


On Burnow Island, the Fugitoid comes to General Krang with the news that Shredder and the Foot will be attacking the Technodrome.  Krang is furious and demands to know the Fugitoid’s sources, but the robot refuses to give them up, claiming that Krang wouldn’t dare destroy him because he’s so important to the project. 

Baxter Stockman then betrays his alliance with the Fugitoid and reveals that he’s been spying on him all this time with a miniature Flyborg.  He offers to tell Krang the whole story in exchange for an un-terraformed sanctuary on New Utrominon.  Krang concedes and Stockman tells him the whole yarn about the Fugitoid contacting the Turtles and delivering teleportal blueprints to them.  He also tells him that the Turtles will be attacking the Technodrome in addition to Shredder.  Krang rewards Stockman by having him thrown in the brig along with the Fugitoid.

At Harold’s lab, Donatello is setting the coordinates for Burnow Island.  For safety, Harold is operating Metalhead from a remote location.  Don informs his brothers that he can’t go with them to Burnow Island because he has to stay behind and work the portal with Harold/Metalhead.  Leo understands and the Turtles leave through the portal.


Moments later, Don lets the Shredder and his forces into the lab.  He opens the portal for him, but as insurance against treachery, Shredder leaves Bebop and Rocksteady behind to watch Don.

Elsewhere, Dr. Miller returns to his office to find April waiting for him.  She says that they risked their lives to save him from the Foot, only to be betrayed, and that he owes them for that.  Dr. Miller says that he still believes that saving the “Ashi no Himitsu” (“Secret of the Foot”) was the right decision, but admits that he’s now in way over his head with a criminal organization.  He says that if April and her friends can get him out of it, he will gladly help them in whatever way possible.

Outside Foot HQ, Hob’s gang and Splinter ready themselves to fight.  Splinter recalls a powwow with his sons from a few hours earlier…

Down in the lair, Leo, Raph and Mike come to Splinter to tell him that there’s been a change of plans.  Leo had an epiphany about turning Krang and Shredder against each other and went to Donnie to try and concoct a way of planting a double-agent in the Foot.  Don came up with the whole “betraying his family for the greater good” act and began diplomatic discussions with the Shredder via Metalhead.  The idea was that the Foot and Krang’s army would be so busy fighting each other that it would leave the Technodrome unguarded, allowing the Turtles to get at it.  And with any luck, the two despots would destroy each other in the chaos.  Splinter asks why they kept this plan from him and they explain that he was so hung up on revenge against Shredder that they feared he wouldn’t give their plan a chance.  Splinter concedes that they were right and that he’d been blind this whole time.


The present.  Shredder and the Foot arrive on Burnow Island only to be greeted by General Krang and his army of human and Rock Soldiers.  The two forces clash while Shredder, Koya and Bludgeon take on Krang, Tragg and Granitor.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT (IDW) #41.  The story continues in TMNT (IDW) #43.

*Leo came up with his plan to turn Shredder and Krang against each other (with a little help from the Rat King) in TMNT (IDW) #36.

*This issue was originally published with 3 variant covers: Cover A by Cory Smith, Cover B by Eastman and Pattison, and Cover RI by Brian Churilla.


Review:

Ah, the “How I did it” issue.  A necessary evil.

I’ll admit that I hadn’t put all of it together, myself.  I wasn’t sure if Donatello’s appealing to Shredder for help was part of the big plan (which it was) or if he was actually betraying his family (which he wasn’t).  While the fact that it was all part of Leo’s scheme did sort of hit me as a surprise, part of that is because the script cheated so much.

I mean, look at pages 8 through 10.  It’s Donatello and his brothers in private, yet they’re still acting like they aren’t aware of Don’s “betrayal”.  Who are they putting this show on for?  Harold?  If so, then why is he being kept out of the loop?

The “Don was in on it all along” reveal only works for as long as it takes the reader to say, “Hey, wait a minute…”

That being said, I suppose I’m happy that Don DIDN’T betray his family.  We just got done with a “Turtle goes to the side of the Foot” story arc and its tiresome aftermath; we really didn’t need to travel down that road again so soon.  But while there won’t be any fallout for Don between him and his family, Don still looks to be in a tight spot with Bebop and Rocksteady watching over him.  So there’s likely to be some sort of comeuppance on the horizon (evidently, the next story arc is called "Vengeance" so you figure it out).

And with all this “whose betraying who?” stuff going on, you’re left questioning everything you see.  Did Baxter REALLY betray the Fugitoid?  Or next issue will there be a “It was all part of the plan!” monologue?  Is Dr. Miller REALLY genuine about wanting to get out of the Foot?  Or is he just playing April?  I hope we don't have too many more "Aha!  FOOLED YOU!" moments waiting for us in the immediate future.  I think I’ve had my fill of that.

It looks like this first half of the “Attack on Technodrome” arc has been all the laborious setup (even though, let’s be real, the way this comic is written the past 40 issues have all been setup).  With that in mind, hopefully the next half will be more action oriented and less indulgent with exposition and monologues.  I understand that this is one of those comics that’s “written for the trade” so the intention is that you’ll be reading the whole thing together in a paperback, but man, this book can be a real grind on for those of us who invest in the floppies.

If anything, you’d think after 40+ issues, the three (!) plotters would find a better way to distribute the exposition between the action for more balanced arcs instead of front-loading quite so much.

Grade: C (as in, “Chatty Cathy: The Comic Book”.)



TMNT New Animated Adventures #19


Publication date: January 21, 2015

Contents:

*"The Flavor of Fear: Part 1"
*"Pipe Dreams"


Turtle Tips:

*This issue is preceded by TMNT New Animated Adventures #18.  The series continues in TMNT New Animated Adventures #20.

*This issue was originally published with 2 variant covers: Regular Cover by Dario Brizuela, and Subscription Cover by Jake Tabula.



The Flavor of Fear: Part 1


Publication date: January 21, 2015
Originally published in: TMNT New Animated Adventures #19

Story: Landry Q. Walker
Art: Chad Thomas
Colors: Heather Breckel
Letters: Shawn Lee
Edits: Bobby Curnow

“The Flavor of Fear: Part 1”

Summary:

The Turtles have been assigned a stake-out mission by Splinter to watch over a construction site (actually, the rat just wanted some peace and quiet).  Unfortunately, just across the street, a Lucky Star’s Mega Pizza Shack Super Arcade Funhouse has just opened and the temptation proves too much for Michelangelo.  While Leo and Donnie are asleep, Mikey sneaks off to get a few slices.  Raph, on watch, lets him go on the condition that he bring him back something.


Sneaking into the backroom, Mickey steals a karate hamster mascot costume and works his way into the parlor.  His disruption draws the attention of the other mascots (Snyder J. Sausage, Hot Sauce Harry and Mr. Magnificent Meeps) who chase him down.

Back on the roof, Leo surprises everyone with a pizza he snuck off and got earlier.  He’s ticked that Mikey left before he could present it, but the Turtles decide to just eat it without him.  They fail to see that the mushrooms on the pie have weird eyeballs and as soon as they finish, they begin to feel woozy.

Suddenly, they’re attacked by the Kraang who have taken Splinter hostage.  The Turtles meekly surrender and lay down their weapons.  It’s all just an illusion, however.


Inside Lucky Star’s, the mascots drag Michelangelo (who can’t get his brothers to respond on the T-Phone) out of the supply closet and to the big cheese-himself: Pizza Face!


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT New Animated Adventures #18.  The story continues in “The Flavor of Fear: Part 2”.

*Obviously, this story takes place after the season 2 episode “Pizza Face”.

*I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that Michelangelo disguising himself as an “Adorable Cartoon Karate Hamster” was a reference to the Adolescent Radioactive Black Belt Hamsters.  Created by Don Chin in 1986, they were the first parody of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

*While Mikey dresses up as a hamster in the actual comic, the cover features him garbed in a chicken costume for some reason.


Review:

So let me get this straight… IDW has published a TMNT comic featuring Pizza Face which is also a parody of “Five Nights at Freddy’s”?

There isn’t any good reason this shouldn’t be my favorite thing ever.

So thanks to the Nick cartoon introducing Pizza Face last season, IDW is finally able to do a comic featuring him.  As has been noted in the past, I absolutely adore Pizza Face.  He’s my favorite underutilized character of all time (emphasis on the “underutilized).  The episode of the Nick cartoon he premiered in was a blast and I’ve been counting the minutes until IDW finally caught up and put him in their spin-off book.

While this Pizza Face is, naturally, the “Pizza the Hutt” inspired version from the new cartoon, you can see that author Landry Walker delved into his old Playmates action figure bio for a bit of inspiration.  In that summary, Pizza Face’s MO involved stalking the Turtles by taking over various pizzerias around New York and feeding them pies laced with deadly toppings.  With this story, the modern Pizza Face lives up to the ill deeds of his ‘80s predecessor and does exactly what his old bio says he did. 

Of course, his “deadly” toppings are only hypnotic instead of, you know, DEADLY, but I’ll take what I can get.  In the cartoon, he brainwashed people with his gross toppings so he could bake them alive and EAT them, so that’s actually about 1,000x more horrible when you stop to think about it.

I said earlier that this story seems to be a parody of the popular video game “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and I may be jumping the gun, but it seems pretty legit.  Evil mascots from a kiddy pizza parlor going crazy and breaking down the door to get at the guy holed up in there?  C’mon.  Maybe Walker should have been more on the nose and locked Mikey in the security office instead of the supply closet, but that’s okay.

As for that game, it's simple and fun.  You can hate it for being “overrated” or “one-note” or whatever, but for five bucks you get your money’s worth.

Overall, perhaps I’m giving too much love to this first half of a story just because it features Pizza Face, but you know what?  I ain’t apologizin’ for shit.  I love Pizza Face.

Grade: B+ (as in, “Before anyone tries to call me out, the Nick cartoon parses his name as ‘Pizza Face’ while the old toyline had it as a single word, ‘Pizzaface’”.)


Pipe Dreams


Publication date: January 21, 2015
Originally published in: TMNT New Animated Adventures #19

Story: Caleb Goellner
Art: Dave Alvarez
Colors: Heather Breckel
Letters: Shawn Lee
Edits: Bobby Curnow

“Pipe Dreams”

Summary:

After seeing a commercial for “Stratosfear”, the world’s longest waterslide, the Turtles can’t wait to hit the waterpark.  Unfortunately, they’d never be able to keep incognito in the crowds, thus squashing their plans.  When Splinter recommends they use their resourcefulness to overcome their limitations, Donnie comes up with the idea to use the sewers as one big waterslide.

The Turtles make it to the sewer run-off source, but find that Fishface and a unit of Footbots have beaten them there.  Fishface intends to show the Footbots some sewer-swimming moves so they can add the skill to their repertoire.  The Turtles aren’t thrilled about the Foot using their sewers as a training ground and follow the bad guys down the pipe.
As the Turtles do battle with the Footbots while slipping and sliding, Donnie looks at his map and gives directions on where to turn.  Meanwhile, Fishface chomps into Mikey’s inner-tube, deflates it and then gets tangled in the wad of plastic.  Following Donnie’s directions, the Turtles ditch the slide at the right moment and watch as Fishface is sent screaming out the sewers and into the bay.

Back at the lair, Splinter asks how the slide was.  Leo laments that even the longest waterslide is over before you know it.  Mikey, on the other hand, thought it was “tubular”.


Turtle Tips:

*The story continues in TMNT New Animated Adventures #20.


Review:

As back-up strips go, this one was the usual cute comedy shtick, but Goellner’s script was dotted with little details here and there that popped out to me.  He seems to be an expert on the Turtles; his "TMNT Fan-Comic" was pretty awesome.

I like how Splinter is the one who suggests that the Turtles use their resourcefulness to find a way around not being able to go to the waterpark.  A lot of writers would make him a stiff disciplinarian who would forbid the Turtles from having fun, thus forcing them to work around his watchful eye.  In this case, Splinter sees their lust for wet ‘n wild fun as an opportunity to test their ingenuity.

Likewise, Leo isn’t a 100% stick-in-the-mud and is the first to suggest that they “explore” Donatello’s waterslide alternative.  Both the comic spin-off and the source cartoon seem to have forgotten that Nick Leonardo had moments of goofiness when the show started.  Unfortunately, he’s fallen into the usual Leo rut of being all serious, all the time, so it’s nice when someone occasionally remembers that he could be as juvenile as his brothers.

Other than that, the comic’s the usual back-up strip stuff and not much else to talk about (though Alvarez’s energetic pencils looked really good).  I liked Leo’s assessment that even the greatest waterslide in the world only lasts a few seconds (ain’t that the truth) and Michelangelo’s groan-worthy closing pun reminded me of the old back-up strips from the Welsh Publishing TMNT Magazine.  So there’s that.

Grade: N/A



TMNT Magazine (Panini) #20


Publication date: October 16 – November 12, 2014

Script: Landry Walker
Art: Iain Buchanan
Colours: Jason Cardy
Colour assist: James Stayte
Letters: Alex Foot

“Uncommon Cold”

Summary:

The Turtles are on the trail of another mutagen canister, though Mikey is sick with a cold and would rather be back in the lair.  He eventually finds the can, but promptly sneezes into a crack in the glass.  The cold virus, carried on his mucous, mixes with the mutagen and mutates into a giant laser-blasting virus!


They chase it into the street and Raph suggests they just wail on it until its dead.  Leo jump-kicks it, Donnie swats it with his staff, Raph punches it, and Mikey… lets it get away because he was too busy blowing his nose.

Back at the lair, Donnie figures that since the virus is such a simple organism, they can track it with ease using the mutagen tracker.  However, they don’t know how to defeat something so historically and medically resilient.  Mikey suggests they give the cold virus a cold, which is a stupid idea, but it gives Donnie some inspiration.  He rigs up some CO2-blasters that’ll freeze the virus and the Turtles head out.


They track it to a warehouse and find the virus lurking inside.  The Turtles freeze it easy enough, but discover that the virus has multiplied out of control.  The dozens of giant viruses begin blasting lasers everywhere and each blast gives the Turtles a debilitating cold.  All the Turtles except Mikey, that is, because the virus originated from him and his antibodies have built up a resistance to it.  Mikey can’t blast all the viruses so he leads them to a walk-in freezer and slams the door, trapping them.


Returning to the lair, Leo and Donnie compliment Mikey on his strategy (which was actually an accident; he thought it was just a normal room where he could lock them up).  Unfortunately, all the Turtles have colds, which means they have to suffer Michelangelo’s homemade remedies (some really gross food).


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Panini) #19.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Panini) #21.


Review:

Landry Walker comes up with another clever script, finding interesting use for the mutagen beyond “anthropomorphic animal”.  The story is paced really well and there isn’t any fat to the script; everything serves a purpose and it all ties together nicely in the end.  I particularly liked how Mikey being the one to have the original cold at the beginning meant his antibodies had grown a tolerance to the mutant virus, leaving him the most able-bodied hero in the end. 

There’s also the humor of the Turtles literally trying to catch a cold, but that one’s so obvious I feel embarrassed just for mentioning it.

I suppose my only bit of criticism regarding the script is the dialogue at the warehouse.  Raph is the one announcing all the technical commands to the other Turtles on how to use their CO2 blasters.  It just seemed like those lines were written for Donnie but got slapped onto Raph.

I’m reviewing this issue a few months behind, but I’d actually forgotten all about that season 2 subplot from the cartoon; the whole “having to collect the lost mutagen canisters” thing.  That subplot sort of just petered out without much closure or celebration, as I recall.  I think the producers eventually decided, “Okay, we have enough action figure mutants, now.  Let’s move on.”

Iain Buchanan is new to the magazine, I think, and he has potential but could use a little more practice.  His layouts are fine, but his sense of motion is really stiff.  The expressions on the characters don’t seem malleable enough, either.

All in all, though, another solid issue of the UK mag.

Grade: B (as in, “But a giant cold virus with virus-blasting lasers seems funny and harmless until it hits some dude with HIV”.)



TMNT (Vol. 4) #12


Publication date: October 2003

Writing, lettering, inking, toning: Peter Laird
Layouts, penciling: Jim Lawson
Inking: Eric Talbot
Cover painting: Michael Dooney
Production assistance: Dan Berger

Summary:

In the attic of the apartment building, April looks over some heirlooms that were saved from the antique shop fire.  They’re her father’s sketchbooks and they’re packed with pages of drawings of her as a baby; really detailed drawings.


Down in the lair, Donatello packs his things.  He’s going with the Utroms to investigate the disappearance of their scout ship at the Venezuelan tepui.  Michelangelo goes with him, as he has to get to the moon island to start his new job as a “translocation reorientation facilitator” for alien tourists (basically, a tour guide).  Leonardo has to leave, too, as Karai has asked him to go over some security issues the Foot has been having.  Leo doesn’t much trust her, but wants to maintain the good terms between them.  That leaves Raph alone in the lair and he decides to go out for no other reason than not to be alone with his memories of Splinter.

Back in the attic, Casey shows up with some tea for April.  He helps her go through some boxes and they find an 8mm film reel of home movies labeled “Summer ‘62”.  April has vague memories of the movies, taken during a trip to Kittery, and she recalls something her father was drawing in his sketchbook.  The memories don’t add up, though, and she asks Casey to fetch the Super Eight projector.


On an Utrom anti-grav tug, Donatello gets the lowdown on the mission.  He watches Captain Glonar’s final transmission, but he’s left with several questions: Particularly, why were the Utroms there in the first place?  The Utrom commander explains that during the time when they were marooned on Earth, the Utroms used the remote Venezuelan tepui as a toxic waste dump.  Their dump vessel was ultimately lost on a trip there and they were never able to recover it.  Following First Contact, the Utrom government has decided it wants to clean up its mess, albeit secretly, and Glonar was sent to remove the old waste and hopefully recover the remains of the lost dump vessel crew.

Of course, there’s more to it.  The Utrom commander fears that the toxic waste that was dumped on the tepui was the same sort of waste that mutated the Ninja Turtles, which might account for the talking raptor creatures.  A team of human “dinosaur hunters” also went missing while exploring the tepui and the Utroms want this taken care of before anyone else has to die for their mistakes.  Donatello sees that they’re heavily armed for this excursion, but wonders if it will be enough.  Below, hiding in the jungle, is one of the giant wood creatures.


In New York, Raphael has gotten plastered at a bar called Galaxies that serves humans and aliens.  Raph tells a table of young ladies about his adventures in the Triceraton arena, but they aren’t particularly impressed by the middle-aged mutant.  Raph decides he’s had enough and wanders out into an alley, unaware that he’s being followed by the same vampires who recently attacked women in Central Park.  They jump Raph, explaining their intent to suck him dry, but Raph just laughs them off.  He says he’s fought real vampires in the past and can tell that these guys are fakers.  However, being inebriated, he isn’t ready for a blow to the head with a two-by-four.  The vampires then loom over him, hesitant about drinking “alien blood”.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT (Vol. 4) #11.  The story continues in TMNT (Vol. 4) #13.

*The Second Time Around shop burned down in TMNT (Vol. 1) #10.

*Raph battled Triceratons in an arena in TMNT (Vol. 1) #6.

*Raph fought vampires before in TMNT (Vol. 1) #29 and the Raphael: Bad Moon Rising miniseries.

*In the letters page, Laird mentioned that a “how the Turtles got their weapons” story would be told one day in Tales of the TMNT Volume 2.  It never was (though Archie covered it in their universe).

*This issue also included a bonus pin-up of a 3D model reference piece Laird created to help Lawson visualize a location in TMNT (Vol. 4) #15.


Review:

So this is it.  Did you like seeing all four Turtles together in this issue?  Man, I hope so.  Because you are never going to see it again in the pages of TMNT Volume 4 (at least, as of this writing… 12 years later).

The Turtles bid each other farewell and all go their separate ways in this issue.  It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but how could we have known then that a decade and some change would pass and they’d all still be scattered to the four winds?

In a way, the moment feels kind of like Laird is calling a “do-over” for a plot point that got quashed during TMNT Volume 2.  That volume opened with the Turtles all reacting to their big “growing up” storyline (“City at War”) by deciding to go their separate ways.  They house hunt and each Turtle decides on an appropriate location for themselves.  And then Baxter Stockman shows up and attacks, the Turtles go to DARPA to save Raphael, and the volume ends.

When we catch up with the Turtles all these years later in Volume 4 (the Image Volume 3 having been stricken from canon), they’re all still living in the lair like they’d never wanted to move out in the first place.  An issue of Tales of the TMNT Volume 2 would eventually be written to explain why they never followed through on their desires to separate circa Volume 2, but when THIS issue was written we were sort of experiencing déjà vu.

So the Turtles go through another “growing up” event (the death of Splinter) and THIS TIME they actually follow through on their intent to separate.  Of course, it’s not quite the same deal.  They all thought it was just going to be a temporary thing; exploring a tepui, getting a part-time job, helping the Foot, getting a beer.  Little did they know this was going to keep them apart for YEARS (real-time, not story-time).

It is sort of funny, though.  When the Turtles actually INTENDED to separate for good and all move into their own little places, that all fell through almost immediately.  But when they all thought they were just going to go do something for an evening… BAM!  Scattered to the four corners of the universe for ten years.

Of course, this now means that the narrative of Volume 4 is going to be pulled in five different directions (the Turtles plus April) and will only proceed to be fractured even further as time goes on.  So it’s a small wonder 12 years hasn’t been enough to see these arcs resolved, at least at the pace they’re reduced to.

To talk about more specifics in this issue, I rather liked the bit where Raph is trying to pick up chicks at an alien bar.  It actually harkens way back to TMNT (Vol. 1) #5 when he did that exact same thing.  Of course, he’s hitting on chicks that look to be quite a bit younger than him (he’s in his mid-to-late 30s by this point) and they find his anecdotes more giggle-worthy than anything else.  He’s become “that guy” you see at bars all the time; the dude pushing forty who thinks he can still pick up 19 year-olds.  Sorry, man.  That Purple Heart from Desert Storm will only get you so far.

April’s plot is thickening, though no faster than any of the other plots in this book.  A good chunk of her page space is spent on prattle between her and Casey (discussing the kind of tea they like, Casey going on about an old racecar, etc.) and it doesn’t really help to liven up the already boring April subplot (but aren’t her subplots ALWAYS boring?).

Don gets a sizeable portion of the issue dedicated to his debriefing.  While some of it goes over info we already know, it’s mostly background that’s new to us.  The Utroms really did create a LOT of mutagenic toxic ooze during their stay on Earth, didn’t they?  So much that they had to dump it in Venezuela (like South America doesn’t have enough problems).  I like that the (unnamed) Utrom commander reiterates that they really honestly WERE going to clean everything up!  Truly they were!  It’s pleasant whenever a writer puts a chink on the Utroms’ “perfect race” armor.

The Leo and Mike subplots don’t get time to go anywhere in this issue, so nothing to talk about with them.

And that’s that.  Get ready for a lot of weird sci-fi shit.


Old Hob in yesterday's TMNT episode!


TMNT Magazine (Panini) #21


Publication date: November 13 – December 10, 2014

Script: Landry Walker
Art: Bob Molesworth
Colours: Jason Cardy and Kat Nciholson
Colour assist: James Stayte
Letters: Alex Foot

“Strength in Numbers”

Summary:

On a rooftop, the Turtles meet up with Pigeon Pete to receive some intel on a Kraang operation.  In exchange for bread, Pete tells them that he saw a massive Kraang gathering, but he can’t remember if it was at the docks, the playground, the oil refinery or the train station.


Leo splits the team up and sends them to scout each location, though they all have reservations about being outnumbered if they’re the one who winds up at the right place.  Surprisingly, all the locations turn out to be Kraang bases with the exception of the one Leo went to (the refinery).  The other Turtles get captured and Leo blames himself.

With April and Casey on a school fieldtrip, Leo has no allies and goes rummaging through the lair for a weapon of some kind.  Splinter tells him that as a leader, he doesn’t need weapons; what he needs is a team.  Leo thinks about who he can call on in this most desperate hour.


Sadly, the only allies he can scrounge up are Pigeon Pete, Kirby O’Neil and Ice Cream Kitty.  They trace the tPhone signal to the Kraang base and put Leo’s plan into motion.  Pete distracts the guards while Kirby uses his tech know-how to crack the code on the entrance.  Leo infiltrates the base and uses Ice Cream Kitty’s gooeyness to short out the control panel keeping his brothers behind bars.

Pete then pops up behind Leo, hoping he has more bread.  This leads the Kraang straight to them and the Turtles have to fight their way to the wormhole generator that the evil aliens were building.  The generator is connected to similar devices at all the other locations, but the only way to put them all offline is to cut four conduit cables simultaneously.  Using teamwork, the Turtles cut the cables and then escape before the facility explodes.


Later, Leo thanks his “B-Team” for all their help.  Kirby decides to go home where its safe, Pete flies away in his never-ending search for bread and Ice Cream Kitty goes to sleep in her cooler.  Mikey tries to deliver a stirring speech about the power of inner strength, only to accidentally mention bread which gets him tackled by Pete.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT Magazine (Panini) #20.  The story continues in TMNT Magazine (Panini) #22.

*Leo mentions that Pete has brought them reliable intel on the Kraang before.  He did so in his first appearance in the season 1 episode “The Gauntlet”.

*Since Kirby O’Neil is normal and New York hasn't been overrun yet, this story has to take place between the season 2 episodes “The Lonely Mutation of Baxter Stockman” and “The Invasion, Part 1”.


Review:

I love stories like this; the “substitute” team of heroes cobbled together from the odds-and-ends characters circling the bottom of the barrel.  It’s a formulaic plot, sure, but one that doesn’t get trotted out as much as other formulaic plots (“the shrinking episode”), so I’m not so sick of it.  And it almost always makes for good comedy.  Transformers Animated did a great one, as I recall.

Anyhow, this is another of those stories that would have benefitted from being longer, but the nature of Panini’s TMNT Magazine has to cut it down to just 12 pages.  As such, each member of the “B-Team” only gets to perform one vital service in the rescue of the “A-Team” before promptly disbanding.

Writer Landry Walker puts together a very motley assortment of familiar faces, but the fun is seeing how he finds a niche for them to fill.  It’s sort of like a Rube Goldberg device that you have to assemble yourself; someone throws a bunch of random items in front of you and tells you to figure out how to string them into a functional soil-tiller or something.

So Pete distracts the guards not just because he’s weird, but because they recognize him as one of their escaped experiments.  Kirby is the only one smart enough to operate Don’s decoding equipment and his familiarity with Kraang prisons doesn’t hurt, either.  And Ice Cream Kitty’s very specific temperature and fluid viscosity is exactly right to gunk up the control panel.

It was a fun script and one I’d liked to have seen fill a longer comic.  Solid art from Bob Molesworth rounds the whole thing out.

Grade: B+ (as in, “But how the fuck does Pete FLY exactly?”)


TMNT/Ghostbusters #4


Publication date: January 28, 2015

Written by: Erik Burnham, Tom Waltz
Art by: Dan Schoening
Colors by: Luis Antonio Delgado
Letters by: Neil Uyetake
Edits by: Bobby Curnow

“The Long Goodbye”

Summary:

At the Firehouse, Ray, Kylie and Janine are busy working on the EMP device in Egon’s lab upstairs, while Egon and Donatello are busy putting together the transdimensional portal in the basement.  Suddenly, the proximity alarm goes off as Chi-You’s possessed thralls attack the Firehouse.


Peter and Winston head down to the first floor with their proton packs (where Janine is already fending the thralls off) while Leonardo, Michelangelo and Raphael strap on their proton tasers and follow.  Ray, Kylie and April put the finishing touches on the EMP, but before they can activate it they’re subdued by Chi-You.  The still recovering Casey hobbles out of bed and reaches the EMP device, activating it.  The electromagnetic pulse frees all the human thralls from Chi-You’s possession, but also blows the power grid on the containment unit (which is being used to power the teleporter).  Egon and Don scramble to fix it before everything blows up.

Peter and Winston respond to Egon’s lab and ensnare Chi-You (who is weakened without his thralls) in their proton streams.  Leo then throws a ghost trap, but rather than be caught, Chi-You decides to possess Winston.  He transforms him into a giant minotaur with a proton pack-powered axe and smashes his way through the Firehouse.


While Leo and Raph keep Chi-You distracted, Peter sends Mikey down to the Ecto-1 to get a slime blower out of the trunk.  Mikey returns and douses Chi-You with mood slime to counteract the possession.  Leo pulls Winston free and Peter deploys the ghost trap which successfully captures Chi-You.  Downstairs, Egon and Don have rerouted the power with only seconds to spare.


Later, the Ghostbusters and the Turtles gather in the basement to bid farewell.  Egon reminds them that if they linger any longer, they may begin to dimensionally dissolve and then there’s no telling where they’ll end up when they go through the portal.  Winston gives Leo his Marine officer's stripes as a token of thanks and after goodbyes are made, the Turtles, April and Casey go through the portal and arrive in the lair where Splinter awaits.

Back in the Firehouse, Winston decides that Chi-You is too dangerous to keep in the containment unit.  He has Egon punch up some distant coordinates on the teleporter and tosses the trap in.  Chi-You’s trap finds itself in Proxima Centauri, 4.2 light years from Earth, floating helplessly through space.  However, he can now sense the presence of his siblings and decides to just bide his time until he can free himself once more.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT/Ghostbusters #3.  For the Turtles, their story will continue in TMNT (IDW) #41.

*This issue was originally published with 4 variant covers: Regular Cover by Schoening and Delgado, Subscription Cover by Robert Atkins and Simon Gough, Hot Topic Exclusive by Adam Gorham, and Hastings Exclusive by Brent Peeples and Delgado.


Review:

The TMNT/Ghostbusters crossover miniseries wasn’t what I’d call especially imaginative, no.  It followed all the clichés and checkpoints of every crossover scenario.  But was it bad?  Not at all.  Yes, it is extremely familiar and anybody who has read enough crossovers will predict the story beats many pages in advance.  But it was fun and lively and very entertaining.

While the continuity is steeped in IDW’s TMNT comic, the Ghostbusters don’t play second fiddle to the Green Machine.  This was a very evenly distributed crossover where both sides got their fair opportunities to shine and contribute.  A LOT of characters were involved (a cast of 12 is pretty big when they only have 4 issues to spread out over) but no one was treated like dead weight.  Even Casey got his one little moment to do something besides be a punching bag in this issue.  While it’s kind of sad that “pushing a button” is the most badass thing IDW Casey has accomplished in the past two years, well… It’s something.

As hectic as this conclusion was, not one of the characters vanished from the pages for no reason and even Egon and Donnie, relegated to tech guys in the basement, got to enjoy their share of suspense.  When the group gets pulled in different directions, you know that those cast members are off DOING something.  They simply don’t disappear because the writer couldn’t think of anything for them to do at the moment (a serious problem with books that work with large ensemble casts).

While it did suffer all the tropes of a crossover story, I can forgive much of that because there are certain things readers WANT to see in a crossover story, even if they’re predictable.  We got all those great interactions and the story was never dull.  It often ping-ponged back and forth a bit too much with the characters running out, fighting Chi-You, going back to the Firehouse, running out, and so on.  THAT element of the structure did get on my nerves a little, yes.  But I loved seeing the Turtles and the Ghostbusters chat and fight alongside each other and compare the weirdness of their respective universes.  It was good fun.

And although it may seem like an “unnecessary” miniseries, if all you care about is what a story contributes to the larger tapestry of the narrative, it wasn’t without its contributions to the IDW TMNT mythology.  It got the teleporter working and that’s already coming in handy during the “Attack on Technodrome” arc (published concurrently with this miniseries).  More than that, it gave us Chi-You, extending the supernatural family beyond just Kitsune and the Rat King.  While he’s still incarcerated by the end of this miniseries, the fact that he can now sense his kin indicates he’s back in his own universe, albeit very far from Earth.  I’m sure he’ll show up again.

As for the Ghostbusters, they now have a working interdimensional teleporter.  I’m sure they can find something fun to do with that.  Of course, that all hinges on whether IDW ever gives us more Ghostbusters comics.  I haven’t heard if they have any immediate plans, but I hope they don’t wait too long.  If the license lapses and another publisher picks it up, Burnham’s continuity might be as good as dead.

On a small note, I loved how Schoening adapted the style of Cory Smith for those panels where the Turtles returned to their universe.  While it’s still distinctly Schoening’s work, you can tell he was going for the aesthetic cues laid down by Smith.  It was a neat little thing and also bookends the mini nicely on a visual level (since Smith actually drew the Turtles in their own universe at the start of this mini).

So yeah, while the TMNT/Ghostbusters crossover was predictable, it was a lot of fun and there isn’t really anything wrong with that.

Grade: B+ (as in, “By the way, which character is Melissa McCarthy going to play in the new all-female Ghostbusters movie?  Slimer or Stay-Puft?”)


Inhumanoids: Where Have You Been All My Life?


Today over at AIPT, I reviewed an awesome cartoon series from the '80s I never saw until now: Inhumanoids!

Inhumanoids: Where Have You Been All My Life?


The series was short-lived, but for what it accomplished in its 13 episodes it was really damn cool.  While not as well-known as Transformers or G.I. Joe (or even Jem), it was easily one of the best cartoons Hasbro and Sunbow produced during their partnership.

I'll get back to Turtle reviews this weekend.

TMNT (Vol. 4) #13


Publication date: December, 2003

Writing, lettering, inking, toning: Peter Laird
Layouts, penciling: Jim Lawson
Inking: Eric Talbot
Cover painting: Michael Dooney
Production assistance: Dan Berger

Summary:

The Utroms and Donatello reach the tepui in Venezuela and find the anti-grav tug of the previous expedition.  Oddly, it has been stripped of all useful tech and resources as if deliberately salvaged.  Suddenly, one of the weird wood-creatures appears and fires on them with a weapon.  They scare it off with a blast from the tug’s defensive systems and then land in a clearing.  As they investigate the weapon the wood-creature dropped, one of the Utroms tells Don that it’s of Utrom design.


In the attic of the Jones residence, April and Casey set up the Super 8 projector and watch April’s old home movie.  As she observes her father draw in his sketchbook and play with her older sister Robyn, April finally has an epiphany.  Casey doesn’t see it so April explains: Robyn is four years older than she is, however, in this movie she’s only two.  What’s strange is that Mr. O’Neil is clearly drawing pictures of April as a baby in his sketchbook… even though that should be impossible.


In an alley in New York, the badly injured Raphael hobbles onto a main street, looking for help.  He finally collapses and a pair of thugs decide to follow the recommendation of the Xihad and eliminate the “alien scum”.  They start kicking Raph, but are promptly scared off by the Fugitoid, who transforms into his giant robot form.  Glurin calls for pickup from the Kurtzburg Memorial Hospital.


On the Moon Island, Michelangelo waits nervously in the transmat receiving room for his assigned tourist: The Regenta of Y’Nood Minor.  The other tour guides chuckle at his assignment, remarking that the Regenta, a Styracodon royal, is notorious for being a spoiled, temperamental brat.  The Regenta arrives with her two Styracodon bodyguards, though she immediately insists on replacing Michelangelo as her tour guide, demanding an Earth native.  Mikey explains that he IS a native, just not a human.  The bodyguards don’t care for his tone and Mikey tells them to watch it, as he’s bested plenty of Triceratons in his time (to which the Styracodons take offense, being compared to their "distant cousins").  Before they can fight, the Regenta breaks them up and demands to be taken to the Museum of Natural History.

At Kurtzburg, Zippy Lad meets with Professor Honeycutt to see about Raph’s condition.  The Fugitoid tries to explain that things have complicated since he initially arrived and Raph has been moved to the maximum security wing usually reserved for the treatment of super villains.  Zippy Lad peers into the viewing window of Raph’s cell and is horrified to see that Raph has begun transforming into a hideous, slobbering monster.


Turtle Tips:

*This story is continued from TMNT (Vol. 4) #12.  The story continues in TMNT (Vol. 4) #14.

*Chronologically, the Turtles previously encountered the Styracodons in Tales of the TMNT (Vol. 2) #29.


Review:

When you can boil down the progress of a character’s arc into one small paragraph per issue, then you know you’re gonna be in for a long haul.  Beginning here, with each character separated from the pack, their storylines are going to be moving forward in tedious little bites.  As a result, it’s never going to seem like much is happening in each issue because, um, not much IS happening in each issue.

Pack a lunch, everybody.  This is gonna take a while.

For Donatello, there isn’t a lot to discuss.  They see a wood-creature and land their anti-grav tug.  Yeah, that was cover-worthy.

April does some detective work and makes a startling discovery.  Sort of.  I hate to break it to you, but this is issue #13 and the mystery of April’s birth isn’t going to be revealed until issue #22.  We’ve got a loooooong way to go.  And it isn’t because the mystery is deep, just that again, it only moves at 4 or 5 pages per issue.

Raph’s begun his mutation into “Gameraph”, as he’ll be called in the letters pages.  I’ll give this portion a little credit as it actually gives the whole Kurtzburg setup from the start of the volume a purpose.  Laird really labored to introduce that place and I’d forgotten he’d done anything with it afterward.  So I guess there’s a little payoff to be enjoyed.

Then there’s Mikey, who meets the Regenta and that takes 9 pages.  Not a whole heck of a lot to fill 9 pages, but 9 pages.  I guess that’s another thing worth noting; this is NOT an economical comic.  So much more progress could be made across 9 pages, but the pacing and layouts just drag and drag and draaaagggg.  Honestly, even with all the arcs broken up like this, the comic really could have done better at getting to the point and maximizing its space (especially when issues have 30 pages or more).

The dialogue is no saving grace, either.  I’ve remarked on this before, but Laird has a habit of abusing the ellipses to the breaking point.

Every single sentence… Ends exactly like this… There is no such thing as a period… Occasionally characters will use question marks? And exclamation points! But for the most part… Everyone talks like they’re Ben Stein… Or something…

In case you don’t believe me, look at all the dialogue on this page and notice that a period is not used a single time:


 The ellipses is NOT a substitute for the period.  That’s not how it works!

Nothing else to say about this issue other than that the inside cover features a photograph of Peter Laird and Stan Sakai riding a pair of Segways and it is hilarious.  That was an embarrassing fad from the early 2000s I’d forgotten about completely.


TMNT Magazine (Panini) #22

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